Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize