my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
