yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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