just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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