tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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