Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
