As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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