You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
