I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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