I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
where are my pants?
in the oven.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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