Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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