Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
