so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
