Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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