Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
