i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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