Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
