Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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