True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
