She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
What drink are we having for lunch?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
