Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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