so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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