Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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