pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
