bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
