you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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