Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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