i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
