did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
