no, he came in my armpit
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
