last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
