At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
