The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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