i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
