I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
50% drunk capacity currently
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
