Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Randomize
