My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
