You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
