There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
