There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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