My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
