You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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