I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
