Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just want to make out with him forever
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
