where am i from again
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
