Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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