I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
