new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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