I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
