just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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