Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
