Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
