Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
