so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
