my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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