i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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