i just google imaged poop.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
