I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
