69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
