if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
