yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
