I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
