I just threw up on my dentist
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
